Doppleganger (evilgrins) wrote in badmovieland,

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no chance whatsoever this will be good

7:18 PM 4/13/09 · The original film Feast was perfection, even moreso than this kinda film is likely to go. Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds made me wish for the first time ever I wasn't completely opposed to the concept of suicide..., finding out there's now a Feast 3 I have no expectations at all that it's going to be even remotely good. There's a slim chance it could be better than the second one but not much beyond that.

11:14 AM 4/14/09 · After having watched it, much as I hate to admit it, I've gottta say it's a little better than the 2nd one. Not by much but a smidge. Of course, one of the things that made the last one any good at all were 2 girls from a biker gang dubbed simply "Tat Girl" and "Tit Girl" in the credits. Not a lot of lines and they steadily lose more and more of their clothes throughout the movie. Until the end where they were basically down to boots and belts and that was about it...

...they're really hot and topless for the last ¼ of that film and Feast 3 starts right where the last one left off.

The full title is Feast 3: the Happy Finish and I can't argue that. There was no way in the world anyone could've predicted the end of this movie, entirely outta left field! Then a mariachi pops up just before and during the credits singing about all 3 movies and revealing a little more of the story but not much. The guy even says there may be a 4th in the series.

Or not.

Kinda annoying that way.

As stated, this one starts literally where the last one left off...which is a little annoying but for the sakes of "Tat Girl" and "Tit Girl" I'm willing to deal with that. There are 2 survivors from the very first movie that're still in this series. An old man and a dumb blonde who shouldn't've survived as long as she did but made it to #3 regardless. That actually kinda sets the tone for this movie as she's finally killed near the beginning of this movie when one of the creatures decapitates her...

...eats her head...

...a decapitated head doesn't die quick so we see her view as he swallows it and it goes through his system...

...and then he craps it out the other end.

What do you expect from a movie that actually has a character in it named Jean·Claude Seagal?

The saving grace is it's kind of funny. Not laugh out loud guffaw worthy or anything but even with all the gore and unbelievable kills, guy still fighting with judo kicks after both his arms have been ripped off, I couldn't resist smiling here and there. Even the creatures themselves, that you never fully see in the original movie, are running around almost gleefully and excessively well hung...'s a wonder they don't trip over their damn things.

No, that's not an oddly placed tail!

The only real sex in this is when one of the creatures can hear that some people are inside a storage tank and though he can't get in there's a long pipe on one end. So, he sticks his ever present firehose of a schlong in the pipe and stretches further and further until he anally rapes on of the guys inside, splooging him full, and the bizarrely accelerated birthing process, which is clearly not female necessary, creates another monster in the storage tank. All through this it keeps popping a view to the outside where the monster is pumping away at the small opening it found like a well paid porn star.

I thought the rape of the cat in the previous film was bad.

There are too many uses of night vision views in dark area, that oddly green thing you see in a lot of military films, especially considering that none of them have night vision gear. Each little moment their hopes are raised they get smashed down almost immediately...

...and still, with all that, I actually kinda liked it.

If you like a lot of pointless blood and gore then this movie is for you. It's got a strain of dark humor to it which is a slight boost. If you're into tattooed topless girls with big bazongas you might like Feast 3: the Happy Finish but I make no promises.
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